Things NOT To Do When Dating Sirius Black
by seriousblahblah
Summary: Hermione makes a list. Of all the things Sirius Black is doing to drive her up the wall...and other surfaces. Humor/comedy. New dilemma: SPEW HATS on the wrong ends of house elves! STOP IT SIRIUSLY!
1. Chapter 1

1.

* * *

Hermione sighed and took out her little red leather diary to pen down something that had been weighing heavily on her mind: her boyfriend, Sirius Black. The 20-year Gryffindor felt her forehead and then grabbed a pen. Since an early age, where she was the best student, she took meticulous notes of eveything she learned. Lately, since graduating, the things she learned were rather less academic but they were lessons nonetheless so she deligently began to write down what she needed to remember.

"Good grief. Where to begin?"

They'd only been dating four months but already she found that dating the pureblood was a mixed-baggage of never ending surprises. Some of them good. Some of them not so much. Some of them capable of making her want to attack the black-haired man with a staple gun.

 ** _THINGS NOT TO DO WHEN YOU'RE DATING SIRIUS BLACK:_**

 _1\. DON'T FALL ASLEEP IN THE SAME BED. HE WILL DO SOMETHING TO YOU WHILE YOU'RE ASLEEP TO PRANK YOU, OR IT WILL BE SOMETHING REALLY IMMATURE LIKE WAKING UP WITH A UNIBROW. THEN HE WILL LAUGH THE WHOLE DAY LIKE A FIFTH GRADER AND GENIUS FOR DOING SOMETHING SO INFANTILE_

 _2\. DON'T LET SIRIUS BE IN CHARGE OF GARBAGE DISPOSAL. INSTEAD OF DOING THINGS DECENTLY OR USING A QUICK SPELL, HE WILL LEAVE THE GARBAGE LINGERING ON PURPOSE OR HIDE IT SOMEWHERE ON PURPOSE TO STINK UP THE WHOLE HOUSE LIKE ROTTING FISH. HE DID THIS TWICE ALREADY ONCE AT DUMBLEDORE'S OFFICE AND THEN ANOTHER TIME AT THE MINISTRY'S OFFICE. HE THINKS IT'S HILARIOUS AND FAIR BECAUSE OF THE MINISTRY'S INCOMPETENCE. HE WILL NEVER LEARN._

 _3\. DO NOT LET HIM IN MY MINISTRY OFFICE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE. MISCHIEF WILL ENSUE._

 _4\. DO NOT LET HIM TELL HIM HOW SEXY I LOOK IN MY MINISTERIAL OUTFIT. SEX, WILD SEX, WILL ENSUE. ON THE DESK. AGAINST THE MAHOGANY SURFACE. WHICH CAUSES PAINFUL FRICTION MARKS NOT EASILY GOT RID OF WITH BRUISING SPELLS.  
_

 _5\. DO NOT LET SIRIUS OUT OF MY OFFICE ONCE HE IS IN MY OFFICE. A FEW TIMES ON THE DESK WON'T HURT ANYONE *AS LONG AS WE USE THE TIME TURNER SO I'M NOT ACTUALLY WASTING ANY PAID TIME THAT COULD BE USED FOR ADMINISTERING AND PROMOTING THE RIGHTS OF MAGICAL PROTECTED CREATURES.*_

 _6\. DO NOT LET SIRIUS CALL HIMSELF A MAGICAL PROTECTED CREATURE JUST BECAUSE HE CAN TURN INTO A DOG. DO NOT LET HIM USE PUPPY EYES TO TRY TO FIND HIS WAY INTO MESSING WITH MY IMPORTANT WORK. I RUN AN OFFICE, NOT A ZOO. NEXT TIME SIRIUS TRIES TO SNEAK IN HERE, SEND HIM TO THE MUGGLE VET. TO BE FIXED...I mean not really... *HERMIONE BIT HER LIP* HE IS WELL ENDOWED. *She crossed her legs in contemplation and wondered how much longer she could endure this day before she Flooed back to their house. The clock's hands ticked by ever so slowly. Much too slowly.  
_

 _Oh this is torture. A new reason to be mad at him!_

 _7\. NEW RULE NO MENTIONS OF SIRIUS BLACK WHATSOVER WHILE AT THE MINISTRY. TOO DISTRACTING. ALSO STOP WEARING TIGHT LITTLE OUTFITS ON PURPOSE HOPING TO DISTRACT SIRIUS AND TRICK HIM INTO TRYING TO FOLLOW ME TO WORK. *Glances fondly at mahogany desk top* HE REALLY DOES LOVE THIS DESK TOO MUCH. HMM. IDEAS. MAYBE DUPLICATE DESK AND RELOCATE IT TO HOUSE. SIRIUS WONT EVEN NOTICE THE DIFFERENCE. THEN PLACE A SPELL ON THE OFFICE DESK SO HE ALWAYS GOES SLIDING OFF IT AND CRASHING. WILL BE VERY CONFUSED.  
_

Hermione stopped writing to glance up at the owl delivering the deed to a local dragon at her desk. Besides the letter about the dragon was also a pile of roses and chocolate cupids send be yours truly, Sirius Black. Also attached was a naughty card of a singing, naked house-elf dressed as a cupid saying "I LOVE YOU." She sighed, promptly burned the offending letter (hoping too no one else had seen it while it was being delivered) and then went back to her notebook.

 _9\. FIND A WAY TO BLOCK SIRIUS'S EMBARASSING MAIL SENT TO MY MINISTRY ADDRESS. MUST STOP THE NUISANCE AND DEPRAVITY OF HIS SEXUALLY CHARGED OWL LETTERS AND MAN THONGS IN MY INBOX._

 _Her cheeks turned a dark shade of red. "I'm going to kill him for that. I still haven't done. But no one in this office is ever going to take me seriously again after some of the things he's sent in my mailbox. I mean a sparkling wand shaped ****? Really?"_


	2. Chapter 2

~o~

Chapter 2!

~O~

 _Things Sirius Better Not do Again if He didn't want hER TO PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE (AND DON'T BELIEVE SHE WOULDNT DO IT, IT'D BEEN LIKE TEN YEARS SINCE SHE SLUGGED DRACO MALFOY IN THE FACE BUT SHE STILL HAD IT IN HER TO GIVE ANOTHER PUREBLOOD POMPOSITY A BEATING!)_

~o~

Hermione was really, really not liking her relationship with Sirius Black anymore. Lately, the older, "mature" (she used that word loosely) man had done a lot of things that...well...fell very short of mature behaviors you would expect out of an educated 40 yo man.

Damn him!

She took out a bottle of aspirin and her quill and notebook again. She made a long list of things she learned he better not try again! Each would be met next time, she swore to herself, by either a balding spell, a tripping jink or simply a good tug of the man sack!

 _THINGS NOT TO DO TO HERMIONE IF YOU ARE SIRIUS BLACK:_

 _1\. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO WAKE ME UP AT 3AM TO TELL ME YOU LOVE ME, COAX ME INTO MAKING OUT AND THEN WHEN I'M READY TO GO, YOU TELL ME YOU'RE TOO TIRED TO ACTUALLY GET IT UP! QUIT BEING A TEASE! BLOODY SIRIUS BLACK THE ORIGINAL V &*&(*&*B TEASE! LET ME SLEEP OR STOP TEASING!_

 _2\. DO NOT TELL ME I LOOK 'PRETTY' WITHOUT MY MAKEUP AND SOMEHOW YOU'RE MORE ATTRACTED TO THAT. STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL UGLY BY TELLING ME I LOOK PRETTY WHEN I KNOW I LOOK LIKE THE OGRE WE KILLED IN FIRST YEAR WITHOUT MY MAKEUP ON!_

 _3\. I DO NOT FEEL BEAUTIFUL WHEN MY HAIR IS A GIANT FRIZZY UNCOMBED MESS AND YOU'RE TRYING TO TELL ME YOU LOVE THE WAY IT LOOKS LIKE A FURBALL! FURBALLS ARE NOT CUTE._

 _4\. STOP CALLING ME A CAT, KITTY, MEOWMIX, OR YOUR PUSSYCAT. I'M NOT A CAT AND I DON'T MEOW!_

 _5\. STOP TRYING TO GET ME TO ANIMAGUS INTO A CAT AND JOINING YOU IN YOUR SICK ADVENTURES! THE NEIGHBOURS ARE EVENTUALLY GOING TO FIGURE OUT WHO IS PEEING AND POOPING ON THEIR LAWN! IT'S NOT FUNNYY! ACT YOUR AGE!_

 _6\. STOP SENDING MINERVA MCGONAGALL A CAT LITTER BOX FOR CHRISTMAS EACH YEAR, SHE'S NEVER GOING TO USE IT AND YOU KNOW DAMN WELL SHE USES A NORMAL HUMAN WASHROOM LIKE THE REST OF US. DON'T EVEN TRY TO TELL ME YOU ONCE SAW HER LICKING HER PAW AFTER MAKING A KITTY LITTER MESS ON THE FRONT LAWN OF HOGWARTS, I DONT BELIEVE YOU! IT WAS PROBABLY YOU IN DISGUISE UP TO YOUR OLD TRICKS! STOP DESECRATING LAWNS EVERYWHERE DISGUISED AS DOG POOP!_

 _7\. STOP TELLING REMUS LUPIN WHERE_ _THE DOG BISCUIT MIX IS. YOU KNOW HE THINKS IT'S ACTUALLY JUST DIGESTIVE COOKIES AND YOU'RE MAKING TONKS HUSBAND LOOK RIDICULOUS BY EATING THEM IN FRONT OF HIS PARENTS IN LAW! STOP IT! TEDDY IS A MUGGLE, HE KNOWS WHAT DOGGY BISCUITS LOOK LIKE AND HE THINKS IT'S WEIRD._

 _8\. STOP CALLING MY DAD "WALDO" THAT'S NOT HIS NAME AND YOU MADE A VERY BAD IMPRESSION. NO MY DAD DOES NOT LOOK LIKE WHERE'S WALDO! HE'S A DENTIST! HE JUST WEARS A GLASSES, A FUNNY HAT AND LOTS OF STRIPED SHIRTS. IT'S PURE COINCIDENCE! GET YOUR HEAD ON STRAIGHT!_

 _9\. STOP ANGERING ME BY HIDING MY S.P.E.W HATS AND TELLING HOUSE-ELVES TO WEAR THEM ON THEIR BOTTOM! THAT'S NOT HOW YOU WEAR A HAT!_

 _10\. IF I SEE ANYMORE ELVES WEARING HATS ON THEIR BOTTOM INSTEAD OF ON THEIR HEAD, I WILL KNOW WHO IS RESPONSIBLE. I DONT CARE IF YOU SAY ELVES HAVE POINTY BOTTOMS. HATS BELONG ON HEADS. QUIT CONFUSING POOR HOUSE ELVES! S.P.E.W. IS A SERIOUS ORGANIZATION! STOP CONFUSING PEOPLE BY THEM SEEING HOUSE ELVES ADVERTISING ON THEIR WRONG END!_

 _! DAMN SIRIUS BLACK!_


End file.
